Bye Bye!

Last week Luke got his flu shot at the doctor's office. He DETESTS the doctor and has ever since he was only weeks old. I'm sure he was scarred by his visits to the emergency room (two tumbles down the stairs at 8 and 10 months old) and his two night stay at only 8 weeks (high fever). But now, he starts crying as soon as we pull into the doctor's parking lot. He cries the whole time we wait in the waiting room running to the door of the office shouting "Boe Pah!! Boe Pah!!" (that's "open" for those of you who don't speak Luke). He refuses to let go of me to be weighed, forcing the inevitable of my having to stand on the scale holding him and subtracting my weight to get to his (thanks Luke). He pleads with me with those ENORMOUS eyes to Get. Him. Out.

This visit was just a shot. No getting undressed. No prodding, probing, or pushing on him. Nothing stuck in his ears or throat or lights flashing in his eyes. Just a sleeve rolled up and a quick prick. He had giant tears rolling down his cheeks and gasping sobs coming out of his mouth as they wrapped his arms around me, rolled up his sleeve and stuck him. And before he could squeel or they could say, "That's It!" he turned to the nurse, still crying, and said, "Bye Bye!". It was the only way he knew to announce that the party was over and he was outta there.

He says, "Bye Bye" a lot when it's not always the "appropriate" choice of words. When I'm finished reading him a book, "Bye Bye!" he says as he waves to it and I shut it closed. When he doesn't want any more of what's sitting on his dinner plate, "Bye Bye!" he clearly speaks to his turkey telling it he's finished. When he's sleepy and eyeing his heated up bottle of milk, "Bye Bye" he says to anyone else in the room to let them know he's off to bed.

I wish I could just utter those simple words when I've had enough. When I want to leave a party that's drawn on too long. "Bye Bye" I'd like to shout. When I want MY guests of the party I'm hosting to gather their coats and be on their way, "Bye Bye" I'd like to announce. When the exterminator who is there to well, exterminate, is chatting too long about his fiance who is strangely losing all of her hair only weeks before their wedding, "Bye Bye!" I'd like to fit into the conversation to get him to LEAVE.

It makes me think of the upcoming holiday season and all of the dinners we'll be hosting. I'm thinking about the steps I will take to try to announce that it's time for my guests to leave (to my few readers who I actually will be "partying" with this holiday season... take note):

- Step 1: Subtle glance at my watch or less subtle pull up Tim's sleeve to look at HIS watch.
- Step 2: Complete clearing of all dishes from the table
- Step 3: Complete clearing of all linens from the table
- Step 4: Leave the table to wash the dishes in the kitchen
- Step 5: Snuff out the candles on the table (which most likely will leave the room quite dark)
- Step 6: Stretch and yawn and start talking about how awful it is that the kids get up so early
- Step 7: Whisper just loudly enough to Tim, "Are you getting stomach cramps? I think I am."
- Step 8: Ask everyone to excuse themselves to the living room where I will take over the longest couch by lying down on it and covering myself in a blanket
- Step 9: Sneak upstairs to put on my pajamas and come down brushing my teeth
- Step 10: Tell everyone how AWFUL our mouse problem is and how I'm always nervous after 10pm that I'll start seeing them crawling around.
- Step 11: Cry "MOUSE!"
- Step 12: Ask everyone if they are okay to drive or if they'll need a cab (we don't do cabs in my part but it might get the point across)
- Step 13: Start romantically rubbing Tim's arm and then back and then leg while winking at him. Maybe one long French kiss could be strategically placed in there too.
- Step 14: Tell everyone the story of when Luke wants something to be finished he shouts, "Bye Bye!" and say how great that would be to be able to say it at the end of a party to get everyone to leave.

What do you think? Would you get the point if you were at my dinner party? I love hosting dinners, really I do but when I want them to be over, I want them to be over... any tips?


Kelly Miller said...

Wow - those *are* some big, beautiful eyes! When we host dinners, etc I let people know ahead of time when the party's over. Usually the only folks who stay are the ones who don't care that I'm putting on sweat pants and stretching out on the couch.

TKW said...

Followed you over from Momalom. You are too funny!

People never leave my holiday parties either. Then I learned a good trick: Put away the booze. People magically disappear in minutes!

Loukia said...

Oh my goodness.... love this post!!!! Isn't it so cute/sad/funny at how sad and teary-eyed they get at the doctors office? Anyway... as for when people overstay their welcome... my goodness, I get soo irritated!!! I start cleaning up, big time... or yelling at my husband! And of course, if the kids are there? I just disappear with them upstairs to give them a bath... heehee!

Alex Fitzpatrick aka Ma What's 4 Dinner said...

Well I know my hubby would vote for the arm/leg/tounge rubbing option...though you could convince Luke to poop in the potty and then come out of the bathroom naked holding t.p. announce that someone needs to help him wipe, worked wonders at our last party.

The Ranting Mommy said...

Hey! I told you I would come by .. and just in time to laugh hysterically at the plan to rid your house of guests. I am going to read it to my huzb and start developing a plan NOW! Seriously, really really funny!

Carrie @ Who Knew? said...

I honestly think that if I had to weigh myself to get Maya's weight, I would just decline to have her weighed. You are braver (or skinnier, perhaps) than I.

I don't really throw too many parties and I have absolutely no tact so I don't think I can help you with that problem.

Jen said...

You are hysterical. I like the French kiss idea. I mean, really, do we moms get enough of those moments? Well, I sure don't. (I also don't host dinner parties. But I'm a wonderful guest who also happens to be a homebody. So I am usually the first to leave.)

Liz Mays said...

When I'm at a dinner party, I'll usually make the move to leave before there's any signs of "get out of here" from the hostess. So feel free to invite me over.

Anonymous said...

I have dutifully noted all of your techniques and will be on the lookout for them at your Sunday bbq. But hey, we are family so when you've had enough of us, I give you permission to just tell us to "get the f*ck out!" LOL :)

Aidan Donnelley Rowley @ Ivy League Insecurities said...

What I love most about this post is how you weave (enviable) humor with bigger questions. Why is it that we adults concoct so many subtle and not-so-subtle cues to express what we are thinking. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could carry with us some of our childish directness into our adult years? Wouldn't it be amazing if we could just say "bye bye" when we mean it. If only.

Fantastic post.

(Bye bye.)

TheNDM said...

Funny post!

Nothing clears guests faster than a cold sharp jetspray from a cold water hose.

Just keep hosing until they're gone. If you stop and they're still there, spray them again. If they ask for a towel, keep spraying.

They'll get the message eventually.

Also, probably only a good idea for outdoor entertaining. Either that or have your dining room decorated in PVC.

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