In the brochure

I love my husband. I do. Really. If you've been reading my blog you recall we met 13 years ago and have been married for 8 and I have (pretty much) nothing but good things to say about him. But, I have to admit, there are some days, some moments when he does something and I do a double take. I probably cock my head to the side and squint at him as I think, "Now, THAT, what you did right there, was NOT in the brochure."

I've had a horrendous cough for 15 days now. All day, every day, through the night, misery. I went to the doctor 12 days ago and heard the dreaded words (at least to me), "virus". Why dreaded words? Because there's NOTHING to take. I don't do well with "waiting it out". I have things to do, places to go, small children to care for! Hacking up one of my lungs just does not fit into my busy schedule. And last night, I started to worry that things had taken a turn for the worse. Now my head was hurting, my chest was burning, I was aching... and hypochondriac me, was nervous. Tim and I were brushing our teeth next to one another and he said, "don't die on me, I need you around to help with the kids. And it just wouldn't be the same around here, if you weren't with us." This type of comment? NOT IN THE BROCHURE. You might be chuckling to yourself, hee, hee, hah, hah, but listen up... I DO NOT DO WELL with jokes about death. Especially MY death. And he knows that... and his brochure said, "will be sensitive about your fear of death 'till (actual) death do you part."

Tim is also a slow driver. He drives in the slow, or maybe on a crazy day, in the middle lane on the highway. And he drives the speed limit. Maybe he didn't read MY brochure very carefully, but I HATE to be late. And driving slow (at or below speed limit) doesn't work for me. I try to stare sternly at the speedometer in hopes that he'll get the picture that he's going too slow but it doesn't often work. So then I have to ask him why he's going so slow which upsets his manhood, and then he starts getting defensive and it's all downhill from there. I know, I know, I should be thrilled to have a cautious daddy driving his family around but I am of the belief that you can be cautious and a smidgen heavy footed at the same time.

He likes old fogey disco music. Huh? Didn't I marry someone within 6 months of my age? What's with the 70's disco jive music? He'd describe his taste as "classic" I'm sure, but it makes me want to throw myself out the car window. And I won't give you examples because I'm SURE I'm in the minority for hating this type of music (Celebration? Earth Wind and Fire? Anyone with me here?) but he didn't state upfront that HE loves it, in which case, it shouldn't be allowed. I listen to the Imagination Movers, Wow Wow Wubbzy, and on a good day Kidz Tunez so in my book, I'd say I should get choice of music in the car. Just my opinion.

He likes oversized Hawaiian shirts. Like the silky, short sleeved, collared shirts with palm trees on them. I'm sorry, but did I hadn't realized that I married Tony Soprano. He keeps asking me to buy him one for his birthday. I keep asking him WHERE he plans on wearing it. "I'd wear it to barbeque in" or "Go pick up coffees and bagels on a Sunday morning". It actually leaves me speechless. It must be a certain image he'd like to live up to... I wonder if he's aspiring to have the beer gut that most guys I see in these shirts have. (I'm envisioning my followers unfollowing me about at this point... I know I'm generalizing here... just bare with me!)

He doesn't shave Friday-Sunday. He views it as a break from the routine. I view it (and feel it) as scratchy, rough, and uncomfortable on my baby soft face. And yes, it is about me. When we first met, he shaved every day. I liked it that way. I knew if we had a date, he'd shave. I assumed it would carry over into our married years. Again, he did not state upfront that he'd stop shaving on the days when we are together, so isn't it fair of me to have assumed I'd be smooching a baby soft face forever and ever? Last I checked, THAT was in the brochure.

To be fair, I guess there are MAYBE one or two things that I do that were not clarified upfront, in writing. For instance, the striped thermal long johns with a drawstring, "my pirate pants" as he calls them, and long sleeve, high necked comfy top that i sleep in. He MAY be wondering what happened to the cute nighty I used to wear to bed each night. Yeah, that was just to get him on my hook. And the expected "shaved legs"? Ummm, just to reel him in.

I guess we should have read each other's "owners manuals" a little closer than we did.


The NDM said...

He sounds a keeper!

I think that a marriage truly works when you find out all those "fine print" quirks and *still* manage to love each other.

Lindsey said...

I am laughing out loud. I plan to start using "not in the brochure" all the time. Genuis.

BigLittleWolf said...

What a funny, lovely, loving post.

(Perhaps ask him to shave every other weekend, and make it worth his while?)

Loved the description of the Hawaiian shirts and striped pirate pants!

Carrie @ Who Knew? said...

Ha, ha. So funny and so true.

Also, I meant to comment on your last post and somehow it didn't happen and I'm not sure you'll get it now. But now I feel silly putting it on here. So just know that it's there.

Did I mention I'm sick too? My brain's not working so good.

Jen said...

OMG. Laughing. (Except for the death thing. I get that. My sweetie had a heart attack a few years ago. Death seems way way too possible. And yet, he still jokes. What is THAT?) But the music? Yep.
I think you should make a bargain with him: You get him a Tony Soprano shirt (as long as he doesn't wear it to Ba Da Bing) and he shaves more. :)

Sarah said...

Becca this is hysterical. Jen emailed me and it went something like this...
Subject: Becca's Post
very funny
just fyi
b/c i know you have all the time in the world

And it WAS so funny. And Jen's got me cracking up too with that BaDaBing line.

Aidan Donnelley Rowley said...

I love this. You do know that you could start a whole bloggy thing (that's how adept I am with the lingo) about Things Not in the Brochure, right? Each of us could write on our own blog about all of the lovely, utterly endearingly quirks our husbands have displayed along the way. Don't say I'm not full of ideas! :)

Very happy to have found your blog via our mutual Momalom buds. Off to go sift through some of your archives.

Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

I am still laughing, as my 15 year old says "quit cackling at the computer, mom."

This is fantastic! I, too, want to borrow the "not in the brochure" line. It is just too good. Only I want to use it on the soon-to-be 25 year old that has moved home suddenly.

And, sorry, but I actually like the no shaving when he isn't working thing.

becca said...

NDM - yes, it's true, it's true love if you love each other even after learning the little quirks. But some of those quirks.. make me wonder!
Lindsey - I use the line All. The. Time. It's like a pre-nup for the "not-so-wealthy".
BLW - I'm just afraid he'll make me shave if I make him shave... I'll have to think about that!
Carrie - I hope you're feeling better!
Jen - I can't even imagine what that must have been like with your husband. It's a true phobia for me and I don't even know where it came from. Just scares the bejeezus out of me... and having a husband who jokes about it is HARD! I'm thinking of surprising him with a hawaiian shirt for the holidays along with a pack of cigars and a keg of beer. Love your Badabing comment. Perfect!
Sarah - I'm glad Jen convinced you to stop by even with the HUNDREDS of comments and blogs you've been writing! Always honored to have you guys here!
Aidan - GREAT idea! You are full of fantastic ideas! I'm sure we'd all get such a laugh out of the things our spouses do that we were not made aware of before we committed to them! Thank you so much for visiting. I absolutely love your blog so it's wonderful to have you here too.
momto6 - Oh yes, that would work to use it on your 25 year old. Makes me think I better get cracking on my kid's brochures now! So there are no surprises down the road!

Unknown said...

I love this post! I wonder what he would say about you, though!

I think my husband would probably say that I cry and pick at the ingrown hairs of his beard.

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