Half Hung Over - and out.

Here I sit. Feeling Half Hung Over after drinking a few glasses of wine last night trying to get my "game on" for the Half Drunk Challenge brought to us by my friends over at Momalom. I drank my wine and sat with my laptop in my lap, waiting to feel inspired. I reread the amazing, heartfelt, heart warming, difficult, thought provoking, poetic and hysterical posts that others had written. Some brought tears. Some shook me. I had so many words swimming around in my head but had a hard time piecing them together.

I actually wrote two posts but neither worthy of publishing. And then, after 3 hours of sitting, writing, pausing, thinking, writing and deleting, I realized something. This Is Not For Me. I was asked to be "daring". I was told to reach deep down within myself and pull something out that normally would stay tucked comfortably within me. And I did it. I wrote one post that most of you would raise your eyebrows at, that may have made you uncomfortable but as I finished it, it dawned on me the reason it was so hard to pull out. It wasn't meant to come out. Yes, I could have published it anonymously on Momalom's site so I would still be eligible for the contest but the words still would have been written and once it was written... it would have been true. And I was not ready for it to be true.

My other post I meant to be silly. With few drinks in me I thought I could be extra silly but I found that when someone says, "Be Funny!" the funny drains right out of me. I reread my "funny" post when it was done and wow, it was NOT even remotely funny. And it was not me. It was forced and ridiculous.

So here I sit. Wondering why I had such a hard time with this contest. It reminded me of other times in my life. Times when I wanted to "fit in". I recall going on a business trip and being told the first night that we all had to do karaoke. Everyone was so excited to have a few drinks and impress the higher ups with their karaoke talent or at least their "coolness" in trying without reservation. Everyone that is, except me. There were two ways to succeed at the company I worked at. One was being a brilliant marketer, having gone to a top business school and increasing market share for your brand by double digits (of course). The other was being socially savvy, being a part of the "in crowd", feeling no reservation in throwing back a few drinks and saddling up to the mic for karaoke. I always felt like an outsider there. I landed a job at a company where they normally wouldn't look twice at someone who didn't go to a top 5 business school. I got an interview through a connection and moved up through the ranks (by working my ASS off) as people looked sideways at me wondering how someone from my "not top school" could be so successful. At least that's how I felt. Every Day. And I never felt comfortable shmoozing with the executives, holding a drink and "being funny". I can be funny. I can be outgoing. But not when I'm TOLD to. Not when it's a requirement.

So here I sit. Unable to write something I'm required to write. My words will come out when I feel the urge for them to come out. When it's in my comfort zone. Apparently, writing about sex is not in my comfort zone (which you'd see if I published one of my posts!). Maybe one day I WILL publish these posts. They are still sitting in draft form. But today. When it's required that I let you read them to be eligible for a prize... there they will stay. In draft form.

I think many of my thoughts in my head are in draft form. I have a lot to say. To a lot of people. But I don't know how to say them. I've been getting by in draft form. Things come out half planned, often without editing. But the big, important things, I spend a tremendous amount of time editing in my head until they aren't even accurate anymore. And then they come out, watered down and half true. I'm working on the words I'm comfortable saying. And one day they'll come out. And you'll know they're from me... they won't be anonymous.

So, I'll take a "default" on this one. I hope you'll still allow me in the cool crowd even without participating (although, maybe, I did participate after all?). If nothing else, I have the utmost respect for all of the other entrants into the contest. Amazing, honest, daring words were expressed.

I wonder if you'd all be just as good at karaoke?


Miss Behavin said...

Writing without a filter is often a difficult task for me, too. I find myself watering down my words, at least on some level, on the more controversial topics, mostly because I worry too much about offending people. I'm still honest, of course, but in a more diplomatic manner.

Recently, I had a discussion with one of the more influential bloggers/writers who's been doing this for quite awhile. Her advice? Be yourself, say your truth, no matter what. Why? Because at least you're coming from an authentic place. There will always be people who agree with you, and people who don't. If you try to please everyone, especially in the blogging world, you will get lost in the noise.

So, Happy Saturday Sharefest!

Kristen said...

Becca, whether or not you mean this as an entry for the challenge, I think this is one of the most honest, heartfelt pieces I've read in some time. I struggle with these same issues - wanting to be liked, wanting to fit in - and I applaud you for speaking your own truth on your own timeline. I come here every day for the wisdom you share through your stories and observations, for the You that you put out here, and I'll keep coming back to read whatever you have to say, whenever you're ready to say it.

BigLittleWolf said...

I think a lot of us can relate to this post. (All of us, in our own ways?) I don't fit in. Anywhere. Never have, and doubt I ever will. When I've tried, it's been a performance. Sometimes a very successful one, but with a high price, to me.

Perhaps my one comfort zone is in words - filtered or unfiltered. Nonetheless, there's plenty I would never say. Everything is NOT for public (or even private) consumption (a post I'm writing for later today). Sounds to me like you courageously listened to your inner voice, which said, these bits are for me, and that's exactly where they should stay. .

Well done.

Anonymous said...

There are some things that I haven't shared. My life is pretty much an open book. I had wanted to blog about something incredibly personal but there needs to be at least something that remains uniquely and utterly MINE and only mine. I opted out of blogging about that topic because it's mine. :-) I dont want to share it, at least right now. I need to keep something for myself and perhaps when something else comes up that I keep to myself as my own, I'll share that topic. For now, it's just mine and it's perfectly acceptable to keep something for yourself! :-)

Ambrosia said...

These words are the perfect companions to Aidan's thought provoking questions today.
I think we are all finding the place where we fit in. We are trying to decide who and what we are. I think these words were daring. The perfect kind of daring.

Sarah said...

Becca, Becca, Becca. I absolutely adore this. Jen and I have both felt great pressure in saying something daring ourselves. And if I wrote a post about why that is it would incorporate many of the things you have written here.

This IS an entry. Of the best, most honest, kind. Raw, unfiltered, daring. You are being most honest with your readers by being most honest with yourself--not trying to be something that you know you are not. Not at this time, anyway. Not trying to sing karaoke when you'd rather just slip up to your hotel room a little early and watch Notting Hill again. (Or something like that!)

I hear you. About all of it. And it has helped me to see that we click EVEN more!

Nicki said...

Becca! This is definitely an entry! This is the last one I have read. I was away yesterday and last night so am FINALLY finishing up my reading. I had to censor myself on what I wanted to post. I had to watch what I said. I understand!

TKW said...

I totally think this qualifies! I cannot EVER forget the job interview I went to where their parting question was: Tell Us a Joke.

FuckFuckFuckityFuck! Are you kidding me? You can't force that shit, and of course I had nothing...in fact, I am one of those people who hears a joke, loves it, and NEVER remembers it. I suck at jokes. Can't tell one at a party to save my life.

Raising my virtual (or not) glass to you sister, for having the balls to say--Punt!

Anonymous said...

I was in this same place last night...2/3 of a bottle of wine, I was feeling goofy, but every time I wrote someting in my blog...nuthin'. Just dumb babble. No bravery. Even drunk, I'm not brave. Just silly and babbling or depressed. Not sure what that says about me.

I loved this post. I think it works best. :)

BlogInSong said...

OH I love this post so much. That contest brought out the best in lots of people, and must have been very good for the soul for others..but had I participated I think it would have been similar to your experience. Sometimes the deeply emotional stuff comes out in a gorgeous, messy, creative natural flow....but when I try to force it I usually end up sounding absurd. I think your participating is especially honest - and its ALWAYS nice to know there are lots of people out there just like me who worry about what others think even though we know better.

natalie said...

The contest was to write something real - can you get more real or more vulnerable than this? Only a smidge.

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