January 1. The day that I always search deep within for what I want to do better. Do different. Do. I've always done this on this day of new beginnings. I write them down on a piece of paper and store it in a private drawer with the hope of pulling it out on December 31 and smiling with pride as I check each one off having been completed. I don't think I've EVER checked them all off. My list is always over ambitious and the items are always too general consisting of words like, "be better at..." or "work harder to...", things that are not even check-offable". Yesterday I didn't even pull out my 2009 list. I knew I didn't achieve any of my resolutions and didn't want to depress myself by confirming it. Plus, I feel like I put that list in my drawer yesterday, not 365 days ago. WHERE oh where did the year go? What DID I do?
One thing I did do was this. My blog. Drama for Mama was born and with its birth a new passion and new friendships also came to life. I have written before about the fact that my head is full of "wonder". I wonder all the time. Wonder what people are thinking. Wonder if I'm doing things right. Wonder if I'm the person I hope to be. Wonder who it is I hope to be. This blog has allowed me to wonder aloud. And I feel as if I've been given permission to wonder because I have found I'm not alone. No matter what is on my mind, someone else has it on their mind too. This blog has brought me support, empathy, sympathy and inspiration. Who knew.
This year, there's no piece of paper. There's no drawer to put it in. I'm writing my resolutions here. For all to see. This way you can keep me honest. You can keep me on track. And at the end of 2010, we can celebrate my successes together or laugh together that they were ridiculous to begin with. I am going to tie my resolutions in with the Ten Things You Don't Know About Me that I'm required to write in receipt of my Sugar Doll award to give my list reason for being.
FIRST thing you may not know about me:
I count things. I count without knowing I'm counting until it's over and I have the number in my head. For instance, I never go up a flight of steps without counting them. I rarely go from point A to point B without knowing how many steps I took. If a train is going by, I count the train cars. Weird, I know. My mom does it too. I don't count out loud so I don't get bizarre looks from people but the numbers still tick in my head.
Resolution: I will apply this OCD behavior to my house. I will THROW out. I will purge. I will organize. Things will have a PLACE. It will not be easy, but it will happen. I will be able to breathe easier and feel a sense of calm. It will be worth it.
SECOND thing you may not know about me:
I was NEVER a girly girl. When I was little I used to drag baby dolls around by their hair. Most of them ended up without heads. I didn't get a manicure until after I graduated from college. I didn't wear or have an interest in wearing makeup until I was in my 20's. I liked being outside, riding my bike, throwing balls around, playing tetherball and beating the boys in the 50 yard dash. I have a daughter who although looks just like me, is the exact opposite. She is all things GIRL. Baby dolls are her passion. She likes having her toes painted rainbow colors. She likes bows in her hair and necklaces adorning her neck.
Resolution: I will revel in her girliness. Although I will push her toward sports because I am a strong believer that team sports are extremely healthy for kids, I will also allow her to BE all girl. And I will continue to find my inner girl along with her. I will enjoy the moments of playing mommy and baby with her. I will schedule weekly dates on the couch where I paint her toe nails while she sits in her bathrobe. I will let her dream in pink if she so chooses.
THIRD thing you may not know about me: I used to get up at 4:55 every single weekday morning to go to the gym. I was addicted to the adrenaline rush I got from working out. I had muscle tone. I was energized. I may have been NUTS. I may have driven Tim crazy with the alarm buzzer. But I felt great. I am still up at this hour more mornings than I care to admit due to insomnia or a non-sleeping child but I have not seen the inside of a gym at this hour in 5 years.
Resolution: I will be reconnecting with and hopefully re-igniting the love affair I once had with the gym. I will find the time. I will MAKE the time. I cannot hope for every day (hell, I don't even WANT to try to go every day) but a few days a week the gym and I will have a hot date.
FOURTH thing you may not know about me: I have my MBA. It's hard to believe I walked up on that stage in NYC and shook hands with the dean as he handed me my hard earned diploma almost TEN years ago. It's hard to believe that after crying through economics and swearing at the world through accounting and finance, I only put it to use for 7 years until I hung up my hat in the corporate world and opened my arms to my kids and a job that has far more working hours in a day than even my LONGEST days in the real working world. I do miss my old career. I miss marketing. I miss coming up with concepts for new soaps and lipsticks and talking to consumers about why they buy what they buy and then seeing a new tube of lipstick hanging on the wall that I helped create, advertise and sell. I still walk down the cosmetic aisle and read all of the packaging for new products wondering how the idea came to life. I watch commercials and have opinions about them all.
Resolution: I will bring my marketing consulting business to life. I will find some projects that inspire me. I will hand out my business cards and find businesses that need me. It may be one project at a time, a few hours a week, but it will be something. I need something else. My kids need me to have something else.
FIFTH thing you may not know about me: I am a hypochondriac. Seriously. I worry far too often that something is terribly wrong with me. I google my symptoms. I diagnose myself with rare and terminal illnesses. I don't go to the doctor but instead worry myself into despair. It's terrible. It's a sickness in itself. I never used to be this way until I had kids. My kids have given me new reason to live and I now worry incessantly about something taking me away from them. I have brought myself to tears lying in bed thinking about it.
Resolution: Knock it the fuck off! 'Nuff said.
SIXTH thing you may not know about me: I LOVE people. I write a lot about having a hard time making friends, keeping friends, talking to friends, being honest with friends, etc. But honestly, I love to be with, get to know and spend time with friends. People fascinate me. It must be the marketer in me but I have a passion for understanding what makes people tick. It's why I ask so many questions, it's why I may get caught staring a little too often. It's why I have a daughter who won't STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!
Resolution: I will see my friends more. I will have more playdates with Hannah's friends. I will make more of an effort to connect and reconnect even when it's so much easier to stay home.
SEVENTH thing you may not know about me: Conflict scares the crap out of me. I avoid confrontation at all costs. I would rather let something stew inside my head giving me an horrendous headache and then diagnose myself with a brain tumor than confront someone with something hurtful, bothersome or disappointing they said to me. I let things roll off me very easily. I forgive almost immediately. I apologize before even realizing something wasn't my fault. I'm terrible at using my words although I get very upset if someone isn't straightforward and upfront with me. I'm afraid of losing someone close to me over conflict. I'm afraid of offending someone or being viewed as too sensitive or weak. So I stay quiet.
Resolution: I will say how I feel. More often at least. I will realize that those who love me, will still love me even if I tell them they hurt me. I will let myself feel hurt even if I AM being too sensitive. I will broach tough conversations to lighten the load in my head.
EIGHTH thing you may not know about me: I love to cook. I actually didn't even know this about myself until pretty recently! Who knew I'd find it so relaxing, so peaceful, so rewarding? And add a glass of wine and some music to the activity... I choose that over a bubble bath any day!
Resolution: My dinner table will see more home cooked meals during the week. And by home cooked I mean, from scratch. No box of dinner that requires adding some butter and milk to boiling water. No peel back celophane on a dish that is placed in the microwave. Home Cooked. By me. With raw ingredients. And I will require the family to eat it Together. At the table. At the same time. At least the kids and I since Tim doesn't usually see the dinner table until the kids are sleeping.
NINTH thing you may not know about me: I'm a shopaholic. I love all things shopping (ok, so maybe I am a girly girl). I don't even need to buy... I just love to shop. Some people have a drink to calm their nerves. Some people go for a run to clear their head. I hit the stores. I feel a buzz as I touch the fabrics on the racks. I am energized by the music, the fellow shoppers. It's my zone. Tim (or his wallet) is lucky I don't have time to do it more often. Superficial? Yes. Just speaking the truth.
Resolution: I don't have one. I just needed to get this addiction off my chest.
TENTH thing you may not know about me: I wrote a children's book. Yes. I actually did it. You may recall a story I told in a post a month or so ago about a pair of shoes? You can see it here. I now just need to push it through the "system", whatever system that might be.
Resolution: Move it along and make it happen. I have a whole series in mind so I have to get this first one off the ground.
It's a long list. It's not a complete list. But it's a start. It's a big year 2010. Hannah will turn 5. She will start Kindergarten. Luke will turn 2. He hopefully will learn to SPEAK. And I will have big changes too. Things that will better me for me and for my family. And you'll be here to see it happen!